Listening to yet another "was Riley good for Buffy" conversation, this time on Hellmouth Podcast for A New Man, I revisited an old pet peeve of mine. The following is just my rambling way of working through my thoughts on it.
I've always had a little trouble with the idea that Buffy rejected Riley because he was a good guy or boring or not dark enough. To me, the quality that Buffy needs from a partner isn't darkness, and I think it does the character a disservice to phrase it that way. It's not about darkness or evil. That's not what drew her to Angel. I mean sure, he was a mysterious force at the start, cryptic guy, but I never got the sense Buffy thought of him as dark. Just mysterious, which was a draw of course. But she fell in like with him before he was unveiled as a vampire, and then she loved him despite herself. But not because he was evil. If he were evil, she would have staked him, not offered up her neck. And she wasn't drawn to Angelus.
To me, what is similar about Buffy's more intensely passionate relationships isn't just that they were vampires, therefore somewhat evil, dark and dangerous. It's that they're from her world. They operate within it in a way closest to how Buffy operates, which is different from Riley or even Xander, and different from how the other vampires and demons deal with the world.
It's not about evil, it's not about the bad boy in any direct sense. Self-proclaimed nice guys need not feel threatened or depressed that Riley didn't get the girl, nor do they have to find ways to make it her fault that the relationship failed. Like many things in BTVS, it's a metaphor, much like the bad boy in cinema is a symbol more than a reality. So sometimes it is saying some women want the bad boy, the man who will treat them like shit, just as some men seem to want a cruel woman. But often the bad boy is symbolic of difference, of rebellion, or of the feminine. I'm thinking James Dean in Rebel. Bad on the surface, sensitive within. Women who go for that aren't looking to be treated badly or roughly, they're identifying with someone who isn't Captain America or Tim Allen, who isn't a soc or a jock, someone more in tune with traditional feminine qualities like empathy, intuition, sensitivity and openness to the world, not someone more traditionally male who seeks to dominate it through physical strength and force of will. These bad boys also usually have a more nuanced understanding of what the world is like, that it's not made for them, and an understanding of oppression. This is not the symbolic perfect white male ideal who's gone through life without realizing how many breaks he's had, how relatively easy it's been for him, who has never really had to come up against significant barriers so never had to question the world view he was taught. That perfect man works for some women, perhaps because they too have had the privilege not had to question what they've been taught about the world, perhaps because they seek the status that goes with it. But some of us are operating within a different paradigm.
I've gotten far afield from where I wanted to go (so new), but not too far, because now I'm going to talk about Riley. Riley was that guy, the one who continued to view the world pretty simply as a black and white, orderly place, a world where he could make a difference, could impose order when it went awry, a world where he had a pretty high status and was in control. He wasn't arrogant or cruel or particularly misogynistic or chauvinistic, he was a genuine nice guy, but simple. Buffy woke him up to some reality, opened his eyes to a grayer world, and he got pushed off his simple track and began questioning what he had been taught. He even went so far as to declare himself an anarchist, which he never was and never will be. But as much as he learned from Buffy and the Scoobies, he never really developed a more complex world view. The Initiative turned out to be evil, but their overall perspective and strategies were still the way to do things. He still saw the world simply. He lived a very goal-oriented life, planning out his desired future, acting to make his desires come true. Not a bad way to live, nothing wrong with it if it works for you. But that's not Buffy's world anymore, not since she became the Slayer. It can't be.
((Finding out you're the Slayer at puberty coincides with becoming a sexually mature woman for more reasons than one. Becoming the Slayer is a metaphor for becoming a woman, realizing that there's something different about you that makes you not completely human in the eyes of the patriarchal lenses that seem to abide. Having that realization is pretty intense, and definitely the end of childhood. ))
The world Buffy has to navigate is full of incredibly complex situations, not at all clear choices, and obstacles that appear without warning and have to be dealt with regardless. She's had to develop a very nuanced and complex case-by-case based strategy for dealing with her daily life that Riley never had to face. But Angel and Spike to some degree have. They live in the world of demons and myth as Buffy does. They too used to be fully human, living their own unexamined lives, when they were chosen to walk in a far larger, wilder realm. Since they managed to hold on to or reclaim their humanity in tandem with the beast within, they've had to negotiate ways of surviving in that more complicated world. I guess, simply put: They get it; Riley doesn't.
Of course, the wider world, the world full of danger and magic and very complex moral dilemmas doesn't have as much to do with order as it does with chaos and random uncertainty. And anyone who lives in that world develops very different coping mechanisms and strategies than someone living in (or thinking they live in) a world of order. When order is the norm, it's hard enough to deal with the occasional bits of chaos that creep in, but if you survive those, you can find a way to ignore them or to do as Riley did and pick your times to fight them and your times to pull back and regroup. Riley doesn't live in the chaos, he just visits there on occasion and works to keep that world away from his own. Buffy has to live in the chaos, where order is the unusual mode of being. She can't just drop in and out as needed because of who she is. Being the Slayer isn't part of her life she can turn off after 5:00, it affects every aspect of her existence, even when she tries to step away from it.
Buffy doesn't need darkness or evil, she doesn't normally want to be treated badly, even if she did go through a depression that led her to use Spike to punish herself for a while. She needs someone as a partner who acknowledges the same reality, lives in the same world and has developed similar strategies to deal with it.
Maybe that does manifest as darkness in the eye of the beholder, but darkness as a descriptor is too vague and misleading. It's about the feminine really. The long-standing dichotomy we use to discuss these things is male being intellect, power, order, control, light, science; female being emotion, compliance, chaos, the wild, dark, magic. Riley and Buffy were in a sense just as opposed and unlikely lovers as any of her beaus. He's the Initiative; she's the Slayer. They each learn from one another a great deal, and try walking in each other's worlds, but it ultimately doesn't make them more alike because they live in those separate worlds, Buffy out of necessity, Riley maybe out of choice or maybe because he just can't navigate the other and be happy. (The fun part is that I see Buffy as yang to Riley's yin in season 5 at least, which casts a really interesting dissonance on top of the more traditional male/female dichotomy they seem to symbolize. I <3 Joss Whedon.)
Anyway, Buffy lives in the wild places, yes, in the dark. When Riley tries to join her there, he picks that almost perfectly wrong way to do it, focusing on the exterior details of her vampire bites versus the more profound interior differences between the two of them in the ways they live in the world. He didn't get it, it didn't work for him, so he set a new goal, took off, and found something that did work for him, that kept him in his world, doing the work he was fulfilled doing. Buffy didn't try to cross into Riley's world in season 5. She toyed with it in season 4, found it wasn't right for her, and tried to bring Riley back home with her instead. So she didn't meet him halfway, and she owns that. But I think she blames herself too much for not giving him what he needed when to do so would have gotten her killed or changed her into a different person. As a slayer, she can't escape the chaos.
Buffy and Angel almost worked not because he was dark and could be evil. First, they had the Romeo and Juliet first love, star-crossed thing, which was passionate and intense, but their relationship survived the Angelus resurgence because of the maturity they both gained dealing with the adult ramifications of that turn and the choices they both had to make to come out of that alive and whole. The childish first love became Buffy's first adult relationship. It was a dive into the wild, the chaos, that they survived, first separately and then together. They share a history and understanding gained on that journey that can't be replicated. Angel gets it.
Buffy and Spike almost worked not just because he was evil, although that played a part in the beginning of their physical relationship. Spike thrived in the wild, and he had insights into what it was to be the Slayer and what it was to walk in the dark. He knew what it was to die and come back. And Buffy was in a place where she couldn't connect with anyone else. She was self-destructive and Spike stayed by her side through it. But season 6 Spike didn't fully get it either. He was on the opposite end of Riley then, trying to take Buffy to a place of pure chaos, away from even the bits of order the Slayer attempts to coax out of the wild. But season 7 Spike with his full humanity restored finally got it, and eventually understood that Buffy had grown past her own self-hatred, and they got past the crazy to a place where they could fully connect. They too traveled a journey together that no one else fully shared or understood. Spike gets it.
And maybe it's as simple as the fact that Riley and Buffy were together at a less tumultuous emotional time. The history he shares with Buffy doesn't hold as much weight, isn't singular enough to bind them together in a shared understanding. Riley never navigated the wild with Buffy in any meaningful and long-lasting way. Maybe there is some truth to the idea that those romantic dramas will ultimately result in a more intense bond. Most people don't need that, but most people don't live in the wild. That doesn't make Buffy a drama queen, just someone living her perforce intense, brutal existence.
Back to the metaphor, not that we left it. Joss created what I would argue is the greatest female hero ever for that time (or now in my mind). In defining her world, her philosophy, her relations to that world, he managed to combine the chaos of the wild feminine with a hero who takes action. Who gradually finds ways to traverse the chaos and mingle in some order without trying to bend the world to a masculine will or blow it up if it won't comply. She has the most intense connections to the lovers in her life that can do the same, and who can treat her as an equal partner in the endeavor. Buffy's so-called need for darkness is actually her need for a partner who can see the complexity of her circumstances, will attempt to navigate her world with her, and will accept her as an equal. Riley thought he saw the first, but didn't. He attempted the second, but not in any way that showed he understood it, and therefore failed. And he never fully succeeded at the third either. He wasn't a hidebound sexist, but he never gave equal credit to the intuitional, emotional feminine ways of dealing with chaos, never saw those strategies to be equally effective as his attempts at control, and couldn't fully accept that Buffy could be his protector just as he could be hers, in true egalitarian partnership. Open your eyes to the dark, Riley Finn, and then we'll talk.
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I could ramble on forever without streamlining my point, I think. Maybe in future I can come back and try to make this coherent and separate out the different strands of argument. It could happen.
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